You are not going to get Ebola, OK? You can come out of the isolation tent you’ve constructed out of Home Depot tarps and stop coating your entire body in Purell.

The last couple weeks of cable news has taken uninformed hysteria to a new height, with anchors and pundits doing their level best to get scientists to agree with them that yes, Ebola is here and is collaborating with ISIS and the Oakland Raiders to steal Christmas.

Scientists have responded to these increasingly ludicrous inquiries with the kind of patience you show a toddler attempting a card trick, because you are not going to get Ebola.

As these scientists have been trying to tell us for weeks, Ebola does not spread that easily. It requires direct contact with the bodily fluids of someone who is showing symptoms.

Do you regularly seek out people with 102º fevers to hug and kiss them? You do? Oh, well you might actually have Ebola, my bad.

This fact has not stopped major news organizations from declaring the arrival of Ebola patient Thomas Eric Duncan in the U.S. as certain proof that we are all doomed. CNN took things to a particularly clever new low by discussing whether or not Ebola was the “ISIS of biological agents.”

While we’re on the subject for a second, please stop describing the worst instance of something as “the ISIS” of it. Those chuckleheads do not deserve their own metaphor. They are the Oakland Raiders of jihad groups.

These hysterical news reports carry as much credibility as a used car salesman’s advice on which used car to buy. In other words, don’t trust people who are trying to sell you something.

Who isn’t trying to sell you something? Scientists, who continue to say that you are not going to get Ebola.

Ebola should absolutely be reported on by American media. That is, the Ebola outbreak in West Africa, where there is an actual outbreak, should be reported on.

There is an outbreak in West Africa because West Africa is, by and large, a very tough place to live. The factors that make it a tough place to live, such as poor infrastructure, lack of education, and government corruption, among others, have contributed to the spread of the virus.

I would not object to wall-to-wall news coverage that obsesses over Africa’s problems until they’re solved, but I don’t see that on the horizon.

If you do insist on worrying that a virus is going to kill you, then you should know that the flu and pneumonia account for between 6 and 8 percent of all deaths in the U.S. each week. It’s one thing to cower over fear of illness, but at least fixate on a virus that doesn’t screw around.

Thankfully, a Pew Research Center poll suggests that the American people are far more levelheaded than the spray-tanned rubes who claim to give them their news. Only 11 percent are “very worried” that they will contract Ebola.

This feels about right. I think that if you get any 10 Americans together, around 1.1 of them is bound to be shockingly feebleminded.

Much like Gangnam Style, Ebola will soon join the parade of faded trends that are only recalled on terrible countdown shows. The problem will still remain elsewhere, causing devastating human suffering, agonizing pain and bleeding from the eyes. Same goes for Ebola.





One Reply to “You are not going to get Ebola”

  1. How about a nice essay on the Tuberculosis out break on campus? How about we talk about the students that have had to be quarantined because they’ve shared classrooms with people that have ACTIVE TB. How about we shine some light on the visits PCC officials have made and to the homes of students to inform them they have been exposed to this potentially serious infectious disease? How about an essay that talks about the death of one these TB positive students?

    I might hold off on tossing those isolation tents…

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